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Friday, October 31, 1997

Filling up on faith

IMPROVEMENT: Spiritual Soup tastes better than the Materialistic Macaroni

Even avid readers of Viewpoint like a good story now and then. Stories can help us see the truth because we are able to look at our lives from a more objective point of view. As I tell you about Joe Bruin, our community hero, remember that Samuel Johnson once said, "One of the amusements of idleness is reading without the fatigue of close attention."

Joe Bruin was traveling on a lonely stretch of highway through Life County when he noticed a flickering sign announcing the Promised Land Restaurant. The sign turned into a blinding light which left Joe with little choice but to pull off the road. He realized that he had ended up in front of the restaurant, and being a good Samaritan, decided to go in to complain about the sign that needed to be fixed.

Inside, he met the waiter. Glancing at his name tag, he noticed that his name was Jesus.

That's when Joe said, "I wanted to tell someone about your sign. That it's broken, I mean. It got bright all of a sudden ... I was nearly in an accident. You really ought to fix it."

Jesus' response provoked some interest in Joe: "The sign's not broken; it's just supernaturally powered. I've been expecting you ... is it John - no, pardon, Joe, student ID No. 316-316-316? Your table is right this way."

As he handed him the menu, Joe realized that he was famished, remembering that he'd eaten very poorly during this strenuous week of midterms.

Looking at the menu, Joe spotted the Materialistic Macaroni dish. It was going to cost him a bundle, but hey, the cost is no objective if you need to cheer yourself up, right? "Jesus, sir, I'm ready to order ... I'd like the Materialistic Macaroni ... I hope it's really rich."

"Sure thing. You'll have it right away. Our customers never have to wait long for our Materialistic Macaroni." And Jesus disappeared into the kitchen, walking over some water.

While Joe waited, he thought about how much he loves his new car. He already bought a Bruins sticker for it, too. He can't wait to get the latest album from his favorite artist, I'm A Pig. If he gets through dinner quickly, he can start his shopping spree.

Jesus came back with food for Joe. "Here you go. You said you were hungry, right?"

"Very much so," said Joe in agreement. He starts eating hastily and before long starts to feel queasy. "Jesus, this dish does not live up to my expectations. Could it be spoiled?"

"It can't be spoiled; we just made it. Let me guess: You've been eating a lot of it lately, haven't you?" replied Jesus.

Joe realized that Jesus was right. He'd been getting too much of the Materialistic Macaroni. No wonder he couldn't bear the taste of it.

Jesus continued, "I know what you need - some Spiritual Soup. It's got a much lighter taste, but it really warms the soul."

Joe accepted the suggestion. As he waited for the soup, he contemplated his main course. Maybe he could get some Success Spaghetti. Now there was something he hadn't had for a while! Joe had recently given up some of the time he used to spend reading The Bruin to go to the career center. He'd been interviewing with companies that love him because he writes for The Bruin. He thought about how he's always needed to prove himself to his family and friends. If he doesn't get a good job, he won't amount to anything in life.

Jesus came back holding something in both hands. He set the soup down, and then he lay the Success Spaghetti in front of Joe, saying, "I knew this is what you wanted."

"Now this is what I call service," Joe exclaimed. "This guy must make a killing in tips."

He savored his soup like it was father's home cooking. Then he turned to the Success Spaghetti that had been steaming in his face. However, after ingesting the Spiritual Soup, he couldn't stand the smell of this dish. In fact, what was in front of him looked a lot like Failure Fettuccini. He didn't think that he'd try this at all.

Jesus came back and asked, "Is there something wrong?"

"Yes, you brought me the wrong dish," Joe said. "I thought you knew I only wanted the Success Spaghetti."

Jesus seemed amused. "Oh, but there's been no mistake. When there's no Success Spaghetti available, you have to learn to swallow Failure Fettuccini gratefully." Joe thought that there was something to that admonition, and he tried a few stale noodles with Jesus looking on. He enjoyed the dish for the first time, and now he knew that he could live off Failure Fettuccini.

Jesus said, "I am pleased with you. As it is written on our menu, your meal will be abundant. Would you like to try our very own Peer Pizza?"

Joe nodded in the affirmative. He thought about how he likes eating pizza with his buddies. Sometimes he and his friends get drunk and become destructive; never again will they see their security deposit. Sometimes he feels that his friends have been dragging him down the wrong track, but he doesn't know what to do. But who can he count on for support if he loses his so-called friends?

Jesus came back with a friendly grin. In his hands was a deep-dish pizza. Jesus explained to Joe how pizza should be enjoyed: "You should savor the differences in the toppings on every slice; they've been put there purposefully. Eat pizza with all colors of crust. Don't gorge yourself, so you still have room for heavenly dessert. Finally, if it cools off, bring it to me and I'll put it in the Reconciliator."

After a while, Jesus broke the pizza and gave Joe a slice, and as the crimson tomato sauce dripped downward, Joe contemplated how Jesus took the heat for him in the kitchen. He put the rest in the box so that he would have some to take back to his buddies. He was still feeling quite hungry, so he continued to comb the menu. The Beauty Beans seemed to be too bland, and the Romance Roast too spicy. He couldn't wait around for the Pasta Power to be made.

Jesus noticed Joe's puzzlement, and asked, "What did you think of your meal, Joe?"

Joe was honest with Jesus. "Actually, I'm disappointed. Not that it's your fault or anything. I can't keep eating these meals and ever hope to feel full. I need to taste something new. I can't even follow my own recipes! It's hopeless I tell you ... but wait, it says here on the last page: Ask for Jesus' special. Too bad I won't be able to afford it."

Jesus was delighted. "You are not like most of our customers, who leave satiated. You have noticed our greatest dish which we charge nothing for!"Joe saw something in Jesus that makes him wonder if he is more than just a waiter around here.

Excitedly, Joe implored Jesus to tell him about how the Jesus special came to be. Jesus narrated as follows: "My father built this restaurant in six days, in time to play golf on Sunday. We used to have many more customers back then. Then one day our customers disobeyed the rule we had here, which was "no playing with the food." Unfortunately, my father also happened to be the county health inspector, and had to shut himself down. Our former customers had no choice but to go to other restaurants where the cooks couldn't follow recipes. To correct this problem, I have offered my special to every restaurant on the condition that they give it away for free, but most would rather make their own mediocre specials and charge exorbitantly for them."

Joe ate of the special to his heart's content. "I am full. I believe only you can make this special, Jesus, and I thank you for waiting on me," proclaimed Joe. Now, no matter where Joe goes in Life County, he will still be in the Eternal State. Now that this story is over, shouldn't we too look for Jesus down life's highway?

Andrew Svitek

Svitek's e-mail address is asvitek@ucla.edu. He doesn't pick his own headlines.