Hiding true feelings hurts self-expression

Published: Thursday, December 10, 1998

Thursday, December 10, 1998

EMOTIONS: Societal standards

of acceptability, conformity hurt communication, threaten minds

Sister Patricia glared over her owl rimmed glasses. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Thirty pairs of unblinking, seven-year-old eyes stared back. Some nodded. Some giggled. Some traced the tops of their desks. But being the brat that I was, I said, "I can say whatever I want."

Things haven't changed much since then. This philosophy of uncensored self-expression is still my grounding force. It is why I took up writing and why I am who I am. It enables me to keep my individuality in a world that constantly urges us to cut and edit every utterance in order to fit a tailor-made mold of acceptability. But in reality, more should embrace the virtues of uninhibited candor, particularly when confronting emotions.

One of the first rules I learned as a writer was to disregard society's ideals of niceness. "Nice" is a trite, nebulous word with multiple connotations. "Nice" is pleasant, delicate, modest or polite. It is also constraining.

"Nice" is the epitome of social acceptability and repression. It limits the spectrum of emotional expression. "Nice" is what society wants to see - happy, cheery and positive at all times. These are prime emotions to have, but the truth is that no one can possess them constantly. Nonetheless, there is an unwritten rule stating that we are to march about with smiles regardless of our true emotions. Some may call this optimism, but it is beyond optimism. It is a delusion because it is impossible. It also creates a situation in which we suppress a natural extension of ourselves - emotions including anger, sadness, pride and shame.

The result is twofold: a society in which we creep around each other's sensitivities instead of imparting truth on one another, an isolation due to the internal lock on emotions.

This situation proves precarious for two reasons. First, honest communication of emotions lengthens the life of sanity. Consequently, what we practice shortens it. We harbor a preoccupation with what others think as opposed to what we feel. As a result, we grapple with undesirable emotions in private.

Unfortunately, two of the emotions most often suppressed are two of the most salient: anger and sorrow. This is a deleterious situation that lines the pockets of prosperous psychiatrists everywhere. We tell trained professionals our feelings instead of communicating with the ones around us. This is evident in various facets of our culture. Take, for example, the talk-show phenomenon.

Part of the preoccupation with talk shows in our society is due to the fact that expression of emotions has been made taboo. There is a primal root in watching people throw chairs at each other on "The Jerry Springer Show," because rage is natural. We are taught, however, to suppress it. On talk shows they take natural emotions to an extreme and - in doing so - compensate for our emotional suppression as a societal whole. To further highlight their dissent from the norm, talk shows express forbidden emotions in the most blatant, uncouth way of all - on national TV. In doing so, they go against every norm we have been taught since birth. In particular, they dare to air everyone's "dirty laundry."

Not airing one's dirty laundry is a facet of emotional repression tied closely to our treatment of abuse and rape in society. All too often, survivors of these situations feel they must struggle with their burdens alone. This is due to the fact that we have drawn a large divide between the private and public domain. In doing so, we create an environment that fosters shame and isolation. To further complicate the situation, both of these predicaments create feelings of anger and sadness, the expression of which society considers unacceptable. As such, a cycle is created between shame, isolation and forbidden emotions.

The second problem with our policy of emotional suppression is that it impedes communication. If the first point is viewed as relating to preservation of the self, this point can be viewed as parallel to preservation of relationships.

As it stands, communication is difficult - yet we complicate the situation further by binding our honesty. If we were to express emotions openly to begin with, it would prevent doubt and confusion later on. Men aren't from Mars and women aren't from Venus. They just keep circumventing each other due to their inability to successfully communicate emotions.

Men in particular are an example of society's suppression, in that they are taught at an early age to filter emotions. It is acceptable for men to express anger (a masculine emotion), preferably by beating each other into an oblivion. Sorrow, on the other hand, is unacceptable. But to have a healthy relationship, one must be able to express a full spectrum of emotions.

One of the major differences between my rearing and that of my brother's is that when he fell at the park and began to cry, he was told to be a little man. Translation: "Be quiet and take it, or you'll be called a wussie at school."

I, on the other hand, was picked up and consoled. I was taught that crying elicits comfort and sympathy, he was taught that it evokes scorn and ridicule. This message inhibits men's willingness to cry openly and even extends to other expressions of sorrow. The fact that crying is natural, normal and therapeutic (regardless of gender) is ignored in the wake of norms and acceptability.

Take as another example of our emotional suppression the casual use of the phrase, "How are you?" Throughout the day, we ask people for updates on their emotional status, never expecting any deviance from the answer, "Fine." In truth, we're usually not prepared to or do not want to hear another answer because it would require delving into the emotional arena we so ardently avoid.

When someone does give a different answer, we are taken aback at their defiance of norms. These norms tell us that, to the world, we are always fine, regardless of our true emotions. This accentuates the barricade between private and public existence, creating a hapless situation that forces us to deal with feelings alone.

Consequently, I say to you that the next time you feel the urge to be acceptable, you should first ask yourself if you are being honest, both to yourself and to others.

Expression is of paramount value and it's important that we do what we must to preserve it. Yell at someone - perhaps - or write a scathing letter. Beat a punching bag, maybe. These are all forms of emotional expression. Depriving yourself of emotional expression is not health, regardless of how unappealing those emotions may be. Suppression and denial are far more unappealing.

Alicia Roca

Roca is a second-year communication studies student. E-mail her at aroca@ucla.edu.

Comments, feedback, problems?