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Patel is a fourth-year business economics student.

By Nihar Patel

An ideological revolution is about to occur across this great land. Fifteen years ago, a great awakening occurred; Americans saw their nation plagued by hard drugs, grizzly murder and sex. In the words of the immortal Puritan prophet Jonathan Edwards, we had become a nation of “sinners in the hands of an angry god.”

But we got tough. You steal a loaf of bread, you go to jail. You pick up that needle, you go to jail. Troublemaker. Prisoner. Three strikes, and you are out. In every county in every state, the individual human life was made safer thanks to the construction of new prisons.

Human crime is now at an all time low. We’ve locked up everyone and anyone who had ever posed a threat to the American way of life. We have conquered the imperfections of our species, but I ask you, are our streets really safe? Let me answer that question for you with a resounding, No!

The time has come to punish reckless, law-breaking animals. Animals are God’s creations, beautiful and flawed. But for every 99 law-abiding animals, there is one instigator. Rampant are animal crimes like disturbing the peace, defecating in public, larceny, assault, and in the case of Margaret Atwood, first-degree murder.

  Illustration by JARRETT QUON/Daily Bruin

On a chilly night last November, Atwood was walking up the driveway to her home, fully unaware of the furry evil that stalked her in the bushes. Suddenly, a pack of deranged raccoons with switchblades sprung upon her, slashing her mercilessly until she expired. Why? Why does such horror continue unabated? In this case it was for a simple bag of groceries. Atwood was able to severely wound one of the raccoons with a .44 Magnum that was concealed in her handbag, but the attacker beat the rap in court, and the suspects are regrettably still at large.

Thanks to shows like “When Animals Attack” and “Real TV,” this issue has finally received the recognition it deserves. It has become literally unsafe to step outside the house, let alone shoot an elk at point blank range.

My modest proposal, titled the Margaret Atwood Bill of 2001, would be to dramatically increase the number of our nation’s zoos, and prosecute any and all animals that commit crimes. By supporting the Margaret Atwood bill, you can help hide our nation’s ugly problems in a “lock box,” so we never have think about them again.

In the opinion of this writer, we are doing an effective job in taking a bite out of human crime. Our jails are filling up, doesn’t that tell you we’re doing something right? But just as we are locking up more people than ever, we need to take an even tougher stance on crime. We need to lock up animals. Justice must be an eye for an eye (except in cases of villainous insects with multiple pairs of eyes).

Since 1980, the amount of prisons in California has risen from 12 to 33. Sadly, the same cannot be said about zoos. If a prodigious 1.5 percent of the annual federal budget goes into education, can’t we spend at least that amount to keep our kids safe from animals?

We must also increase the use of capital punishment in cases involving animals. The state of Texas has saved thousands of dollars (with just a few innocent casualties) thanks to capital punishment; it’s clear that the death penalty is an efficient, cost-effective way to reduce the penal system budget. As an added bonus, the animals may be consumed afterwards.

Our nation’s economy also benefits from increased incarceration. We could put these previously unproductive deviants to work for corporate America; bees could produce cheaper honey, some mammals could be a cheaper alternative to school grade meat. More zoos equals higher profits, so why not lock up as many animals as we can prosecute?

Animal rights groups like People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) will say that placing a non-violent squirrel with a drug offense in a zoo with tigers will increase the squirrel’s future proclivity towards more severe crimes after being released. I’ve never been inside a cage, but I know an animal will have a lot of time on their hands to think about the crime that they’ve committed, and why they should abide by the law in the future.

An analogy would be how convicted Wall Street inside traders and junk bond maestros Michael Milken and Charles Keating stood right alongside Skull and Cold Sore in the prison slop line, and upon release, donated tens of millions of dollars of their immense personal fortunes back into the community. Now that is a prison system that works.

What about the fact that animals of certain geographical areas will be unfairly targeted, and certain species will be disproportionately locked up, and that this is evidence of a greater problem in society? The Orwellian liberals would complain that “all animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others.”

May I remind you that a crime is still a crime, regardless of who perpetrates it? Not to mention that here at UCLA, which is across the street from affluent Bel Air, squirrels are continually harassing women, and unleashed dogs frighten and attack many international students hysterical at the very sight of a well-nourished animal.

Those liberal lollipops say that animals lack the education or even mental capacity to understand the complexity of our laws and legal institutions. There is overwhelming evidence that most lower primates are capable of expressing complex ideas through symbolic behavior, even achieving our nation’s premier federally elected office. Studies are copious of how lab mice become easily addicted to marijuana and crack after prolonged Skinner-box experimentation. I don’t want hamsters wired on methamphetamines out on the streets. I want them behind bars.

If dogs, squirrels, pigeons, and those spotted things that keep soiling my newspaper would just straighten up, we wouldn’t need zoos at all. We could put the money into school lunch programs, and inner city revitalization. We could even afford another desperately needed B-1 bomber. Sadly however, we live in an imperfect world full of unavoidable truths.

When you commit a crime, regardless of your race, color, sexual identity, or species, you should be incarcerated. Whether it’s murder or drug addiction, a crime is a crime. We are all equal in this country, and just as we all have the same opportunities to achieve greatness, so should we face equal punishment for crimes committed.

Some author once wrote that you can judge how civilized a society is by taking a look at their prisons. I couldn’t agree more. So join me, and Senators Trent Lott and Jesse Helms in ending the animal’s reign of terror over our great land. Lets build hundreds of beautiful, civilized zoos. Then I promise we will all sleep safely at night.