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Published: Thursday, April 28, 2005

“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” Directed by Garth Jennings Touchstone Pictures

The Book of Genesis (Revised) Chapter 1 (1.) In the beginning, there were dolphins. And the creators of the world saw them, and they were good. (2.) Next came humans, and the creators of the world saw them, and they were good too, though not as good as dolphins. (3.) After the humans came the actors, and the creators of the world saw them, and they were just all right. (4.) Other civilizations from other planets saw this world, the Earth, and decided it was just barely interesting enough to include in their own version of things, a slim volume called “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” (5.) That text, already adapted for humans by Douglas Adams in a 1979 novel of the same name, has now been adapted again, this time for illiterate humans, in a 2005 movie of the same name, directed by Garth Jennings. (6.) The creators of the world read the book and saw the movie, and decided they were no good because they gave away all the creators’ secrets. (7.) But the creators misinterpreted the meanings of Adams’ novel and the movie. Instead of giving away the grand purpose of human existence, they merely point out how tied up humans are in books. (8.) Humans need books for everything, as Jennings needs Adams’ book and Adams and his characters need the real “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” (9.) Pointing out the silly need for books in human life questions the validity of other books that explain the universe to humans. (10.) But why write a text that debases the value of texts? Chapter 2 (1.) Thus the universe was finished, and the movie was made, telling the story of the only two humans to survive the intergalactic bureaucracy’s destruction of Earth to make room for a superhighway that will alleviate interstellar traffic stress. (2.) The dolphins, being smart, leave the planet the night before its destruction, but not before singing a goodbye song to the humans titled “So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish” that reminds of Monty Python, but serves no particular purpose to the construction of the story. (3.) Once the dolphins leave and the humans are destroyed, only actors are left to pretend to be humans in the film, which explains why nobody seems very human-like. (4.) The absence of emotion, promoted by the intergalactic bureaucracy and the real “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” permeates throughout the film, making it technically correct, but also boring. (5.) The actors don’t look like they’re having very much fun pretending to be humans pretending to be emotional. (6.) The only actor who seems to have any fun doesn’t play a human, so he doesn’t have to have any emotions. Sam Rockwell plays Zaphod Beeblebrox, the president of the universe, as a casual stoner who sounds a lot like George W. Bush. (7.) Though Rockwell is funny, Beeblebrox is nothing like Bush, making the relationship between the two leaders an issue of high improbability. (8.) Then again, issues of high improbability compose much of the movie, as well as much of the universe. Chapter 3 (1.) The Beeblebrox/Bush relationship seems like it should have a point, as does the guide/Bible relationship, but neither does. It’s satire without purpose, and there’s nothing more frustrating than that. -Jake Tracer