What is the 'Jeopardy' quiz show scandal?

Published: Tuesday, November 29, 1994

Flat-Earth Society

Robert Stevens

It's a concrete belief of mine that we have our own little Quiz Show scandal right here in Los Angeles.

It takes place in a tiny little studio in a town called Burbank. Perhaps you've seen this show of deceit and lies it's called "Jeopardy."

That's right, after years of careful, well-thought out investigation I've decided that the show you love to hate (Not "Wheel of Fortune," silly, the other one) is really not the legitimate source of family entertainment you once took it for.

My theory is that this show once thought to be formed from a world of knowledge and pure smarts, is in actuality based on the five minutes of weak personality offered by the contestants before the second commercial break.

Prime example numero uno: Anyone who's seen more than three episodes in a row knows that the contestants just aren't that smart.

In fact, I have an inside, anonymous, top-secret source (read: Merv Griffin) who tells me that the only way contestants are chosen is by the anecdote they present after the first round.

But knowing Merv, how can you tell this is really true?

Well, listen to this. When I was a junior in high school, I in fact applied to be a contestant on "Teen Jeopardy" oh, what a sorry example of wasted time that was.

It all comes back so clearly now.

I ran down to the nearest Payless Drugstore with the biggest smile you ever did see. I had such a spectacular glint in my eye that everyone in the building already knew what I wanted without me ever even saying.

The helper behind the counter rushed to get me what I needed, a postcard to send to this program of Trivial Pursuit Champions.

I quickly filled out the postcard with my name, address, age, phone number and high school and held it in my hand as I dreamed of the magic ticket this postcard could soon become.

The world would be my proverbial oyster. Growing up I'd always have story to tell at cocktail parties, "Yes Ms. Vandafeller, I was on 'Teen Jeopardy'!" And if I won, all the girls would like me.

Or so I thought. My mistake was small, but costly.

Proud of my heritage, I sent to the good people at the game-show a postcard with my hometown on it San Diego, America's finest city.

And then I waited for their reply three long years I did. It never came and now I can finally understand why.

It all comes down to these three words, "San Diego" and "anecdote." Like oil and water, USC and UCLA, and Pete Wilson and public education, they just don't mix.

The jaded admissions officers at "Jeopardy" knew that it was impossible for any person from the senior citizen's capital of California to have a good story to tell.

San Diego is boring and on a show like Jeopardy, they knew it. When the stakes are high and the anecdotes kick-ass, no one wants to hear, "Oh, and I really love the beach, Alex."

Alex just left me in the dust.

And this brings me to my second problem with "Jeopardy," Alex Trebec .Who really trusts this guy anyway?

Trebec, the Rico Suave of game-show hosts may think he's all that and a Fotomat, but he's not. Oh no, he's not.

Oh sure, he'll make pleasant conversation during those well- thought-out anecdotes (So John, I hear you were the first person to memorize all the U.S. capitals when you were in the third grade - oh ho, that's funny).

But does Trebec really mean it? I doubt it, in fact personal sources (read: Pat Sajak) revealed to me that this handsome hunk of Canadian bacon cares more about his looks than the capital of Mongolia (Ulaanbaatar).

In fact, why do you think the contestants on "Jeopardy" are so geeky it's because Alex picks 'em that way!

Sure, you'll see an occasional ponytail on a guy or a girl with a bit of fashion sense, but seriously, these people are generally, ahem, incomplete.

Okay, let's put it a bit more mildly these contestants do not deserve to live!

Alex, you intellectual mastermind! Stop inflating your ego at these poor creatures expense! That just isn't cool.

Can these people really afford to be on television? The answer is no.

"Jeopardy" is no "Baywatch." In fact, nine out of 10 contestants agree (even the women, they sure love that David Hasselhoff!) that they'd rather spend five minutes on the babe-clad show than be a five-day champion

And here's the answer why, "It's ..."

Doh! I forgot to phrase it in the form of a question.

Stevens is an undeclared sophomore. He wishes he could write angry letters to Viewpoint. Alas he cannot. Damn the electric fence. Damn the electric fence. His column runs every other Tuesday. That's intentional.