Finding an alternative to lame Christmas albums

Published: Thursday, December 5, 1996

Thursday, December 5, 1996

COLUMN:

Compilations a respite from perennial blizzard of bad musicChristmas albums are like drug addictions and political causes every musician has to have one, but their novelty wears off in minutes. Though some Christmas albums benefit these causes, it is often the listener who heads for the drugs by the time the album hits its third repeat in the disc player.

It's the '90s. After a grueling history of everyone from Sinatra to Sonic Youth crooning "Chestnuts roasting ..." you'd think artists would get the hint and Just Say No. Most of us could wallpaper our apartments with all of our parents' Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond Christmas albums, and they're Jewish!

If it's the money that makes these artists jump on the "Jingle Bells" bandwagon, the U.S. might seriously look into a government funding program akin to paying farmers not to farm. This may keep those surplus Christmas albums that crop up on every label and in every genre away from the nether regions of your Christmas tree. Even a fruitcake is better than a Michael Bolton, Jimmy Buffett or Vanessa Williams Christmas album (all released this month) at least it can be used as a weapon.

The surest way to avoid receiving one of these stinkers is to keep your wish list overflowing, so grandma won't be forced to wander the aisles of the Wherehouse in search of that catch-all Gen-X gift. There are actually a few "modern rock" Christmas compilations, and while they pale in comparison to the work of the artists that grace them, they certainly beat another Christmas with Kenny G or Mariah Carey. If you are issued one, don't panic it might actually help you get through the holidays.

"Just Say Noel," a benefit album from Geffen Records, features artists normally known for greatness Sonic Youth, Beck, Elastica and the Roots, among others. It provides a possible soundtrack for your well-earned vacation.

Start with Beck's funny but forgettable "The Little Drum Machine Boy," whose droney, laid-back bass and wry humor will slow your brain to an idle after a tough week of finals. As you unpack at your parents', put on Aimee Mann and Michael Penn's "Christmastime" and XTC's "Thanks for Christmas," whose corny '50s-style arrangements override any attempt at originality. These will get you in the "Leave It to Beaver" mood required to greet, impress and suck the maximum presents out of your folks.

When you start missing the drugs and thugs of L.A. (perk up all you NoCal Bruins), spin "Santa Doesn't Cop Out on Dope" by Sonic Youth or the Roots' "Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa" to put things back into perspective. Sonic Youth's noise experiment is also an excellent choice for scaring away those unwanted 40-something relatives who wander uninvited into your bedroom before Christmas dinner.

By the time Christmas evening draws to a close, all the coolness will have been sucked out of you, and you'll be able to dance freely to Southern Culture on the Skids' upbeat, bluesy "Merry Christmas Baby," one of the more palatable contributions. The most intrepid will follow this one up with Elastica's catchy, Blondie-style "Gloria." Remy Zero's "Christmas" and Wild Colonials' equally lethargic "Christmas is Quiet" can be saved for post-holiday hangover nursing.

Be creative with the remaining tracks clean out the fridge of leftovers, send a thank-you pipe bomb to Aunt Selma for the Streisand Christmas album or watch a bowl game or two. At this point "Just Say Noel" can be hidden under the fruit cake with the Ghosts of Christmases Past Chia Pets, crimping irons and Beta home videos.

Even less memorable is Rock for Choice's "O Come All Ye Faithful," whose contributions include songs by Bush, Juliana Hatfield, Luscious Jackson, the Presidents of the USA and Mike Watt.

A creepy version of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" by Henry Rollins starts things off, complete with gun shots, helicopters and Nine Inch Nails-inspired vocals. It closes with a bomb, which may be a hint to the listener as to what lies ahead no less than 13 "bombs," save Dance Hall Crashers' new wave/punk version of "I Did It for the Toys" and Luscious Jackson's eerie "Queen of Bliss."

Then there's Bush's low-fi version of "Good King Somethingorother," with cheekbone-laden frontman Gavin Someoneorother's usual whining, sure to set pre-teen hearts everywhere a-flutter. This one is a good buy for your younger, annoying sibling just make sure his or her room is at the other end of the hall.

For those who would like a great Christmas compilation that doesn't belong in your parents' CD cabinet, check out "A Very Special Christmas" from 1987. It's not cutting edge, but it has amazing songs by a diverse mix of artists that is sure to introduce you to someone new.

Traditional songs like Stevie Nicks' "Silent Night," Bob Seger's "The Little Drummer Boy" and The Pretenders' "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" are unsurpassed both vocally and musically, and Run-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" puts the antics of Beck and the Presidents of the USA to shame. The compilation also features artists with some staying power, like U2, Madonna and Sting, who all deliver unusual covers.

With this as your soundtrack to Christmas, you're bound to have better food, more friends in town, fewer hangovers and better bargains Dec. 26. Most likely, "Just Say Noel" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" will be $3.99 in the Tower Records bargain bin. Keep Grandma away!!

Kristin Fiore is a fifth-year art history student.