Cyrus McNally Cyrus is a fourth-year neuroscience student who currently spends his time trying to maintain physical existence. E-mail him at nougat@ucla.edu.

I see we meet again. Maybe for the first time. Maybe for the last time. If most religions are right, then we will meet yet again, somewhere in the future. Somewhere down that great line whose end cannot be seen or distinguished from the beginning.

By the way, did I mention that this is my last column? Yes, dear readers, the time has come, and I want to get some things out of the way (in no particular order):

1. To all those I’ve offended, I apologize.

2. To all those I haven’t, that’s cool.

Yeah, that’s about it.

This column will serve as a chronicle of music history for the turn of the century; roughly, the years I was affiliated with students of UCLA.

No, I’m serious. A lot has gone down in terms of popularity, redefinition, rebirth and birth in multiple musical genres and other statistical mulch.

But first, a quick run-through of the highlights and disappointments of the last four years: Top Five lists for 1997-2001.

Favorite albums:

1. Radiohead – “Kid A” (2000)

2. Radiohead – “OK Computer” (1997)

3. Massive Attack – “Mezzanine” (1999)

4. Underworld – “Beacoup Fish” (1999)

5. The Cure – “Bloodflowers” (1999)

Radiohead claims two spots, meaning it is on fire and blazing a path to permanent glory. The Cure still rules, but rumor has it that it’s done for good this time. It’s only a matter of months before Robert Smith gets depressed again, though.

Most ahead of our time albums:

1. Goldie – “INCredible Sound of Drum N’ Bass” (1999)

2. Orbital – “The Middle of Nowhere” (1999)

3. Roni Size & Reprazent – “New Forms” (1997)

4. DJ Krush – “Code4109” (2000)

5. Banco de Gaia – “Igizeh” (2000)

These electronic artists are good to invest in, as they are likely to carry the future of commercial music forward.

Biggest Tragedies:

1. Jennifer Lopez – “J.Lo” (2001)

2. Spice Girls – “Forever” (2000)

3. Ricky Martin – “Sound Loaded” (2000)

4. Britney Spears – “Oops! I Did It Again” (2000)

5. Lil’ Kim – “Notorious K.I.M.” (2000)

Oops! I’m sorry for y’all out there who got sucked into ownership of one of the aforementioned titles, whether it be as a gift, an Internet or postal ordering or a direct purchase at a merchant vendor. The year of the new century sure had some crappy follow-up releases!

But hey, its all right, we’re not going to tell anyone. We are, after all, human.

Biggest Advances for Humanity:

1. Sequencing the human genome

2. Landing stuff on Mars

3. Tom Green and South Park

4. Johnny Depp (minus “Ninth Gate” and “Astronaut’s Wife,” of course)

5. DSL Internet connections.

As science becomes more scientific, so does art. Where is the biological aim of appeal? That seems to be the question asked by many competitive artists these days.

But let’s take it all back to the beginning, when I was a mere freshman and barely human.

To get the best synopsis of musical remembrances over the last four years, I recruited the best of the independent music chronologists in the business.

And believe me, there are not many experts!

Expert No. 1, Cyrus McNally, alternative music historian and barbarian critic: “We had already been mourning the death of Kurt Cobain for three years when spring of 1997 arrived, and we were once again temporarily freed from the intellectual sterilization process that is public education.

“For me, it was a farewell to my high school days and an embrace of the college ones. It was time to take a stand and then a step in the direction toward professional fury and intellectual girth.

“Alternative rock, once at its peak after the knockout blow of the postmortem Nirvana release, ‘Unplugged,’ was seemingly on the way downhill. Or was it?”

Expert No. 2, Cyrus McNally, official Radiohead band chronologist and freelance bioinformaticist: “A furious quintet from England was taking depressing music to the psychotic extreme in a style reminiscent of our posthumous poet heroes, as mentioned above. Influenced by the likes of Pink Floyd, R.E.M. and krautrocker Can, I read so much about Radiohead’s 1997 Hall of Fame creation, ‘OK Computer,’ before it came out that I was expecting nothing less than the arrival of a new Pink Floyd. Indeed the band was – and still is.

“Radiohead is able to leap stylistic buildings in a single bound, with its latest album ‘Amnesiac’ offering to stir up your gray matter in unexpected ways.

“Last year’s ‘Kid A’ was thought to be about the first cloned human. Incidentally, several independent genetic research institutes are fighting a war over who can make the first human clone. Rumor has it the feat has already been accomplished – many times over and across the globe.

“Yet out of the boredom and stank of guitar rock, a new, more independent genre was establishing dominance in the sphere of popular music. From Kraftwerkian ideals and DJ Frankie Knuckles skillz emerged the realm of electronic dance music.”

By 1997, the rave scene was full-blown in America, particularly in Los Angeles, where it really had first taken hold in America. The Prodigy, Chemical Brothers and Crystal Method were all the rage, even putting some crappy videos out for MTV.

By 1998 several subgenres had emerged, and to speak about them we bring out Expert No. 3, Cyrus McNally, subgenre analyst and data miner/statistician for BBC Radio 1: “Right, so, by 1998 the electronica bandwagon was so huge and overflowing that people were jumping off left and right at the subgenre stations, discovering those as well. Before you know it, you have Euro-pimp celebrity trance DJ’s (like Paul Oakenfold) spinning at L.A. raves.

“Times have changed, times have changed. The changing mind is become more genetically selectable than the unchanging one. This applies to the categorization of subgenres as well. If you think about it, all musical output kind of bleeds together, but we often cut it up into inaccurate categories for our own selfish comfort.

“The point of the story is, don’t be afraid to explore and learn to appreciate new arts.”

Then came the premillennium scare. What if Armageddon arrived and all time stopped, and we were all judged for our sins? A real threat pondered by all.

“The year 2000 came around, and it was generally pretty boring. According to VH1, All Saints had the No. 1 song of the year. Need more be said?

“I have to say though, in 2001, I am optimistic for the future of music. There is a generation of great influence coming to bear seed in the music industry right now, inspired mainly by the growth of technology.”

Expert No. 4 is biotech robber baron and music trends analyst Cyrus McNally: “Today, it’s see-all, do-all bands that combine such a wide variety of influences that they are granted the appeal of an all-music lover’s crowd, and lead the future directionality of popular music to come. Such bands are usually ‘electronic’-based (since computer-aided recording is superior at laying down samples), and are not too attached to any particular genre.”

The path is different for all of us. Just try to keep one thing in mind: the path is always there, from beginning to end. I’m out.