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Forces at the National Organization of Women have been telling women how they should act for the last 30 years. Now, with the release of its Feminist Primetime Television Report, it is also telling them what to watch.

“Network programming sends a distorted, often offensive, image of women … brought to you through the point of view of white men and boys,” explains NOW Foundation President Kim Gandy, “... so the NOW Foundation is determined to help the viewers hold the networks accountable.”

To aid women duped into watching “chauvinistic” programming, NOW’s Feminist Primetime Television Report provides easy-to-read grades which support or condemn shows on the basis of their gender diversity, social relevancy and positive portrayal of females.

If you had any doubts that NOW could objectively gauge these categories, they were well founded. The NOW report suggests that exploitation can be a simple as a female lawyer in a short skirt, an attractive female wed to a less attractive male, a female crime victim or a stay-at-home mom.

Equally offensive is any television show which does not “bear relation to real people.” Of course, by “real people” NOW means Murphy Brown-types that fit nicely with the feminist agenda.

For an organization that stays in business by perpetuating female victimhood, it should come as little surprise that shows which slightly deviate from the feminist ideal are given poor marks by the NOW report.

Listed below are the NOW grades for several prominent shows.

“The Ellen Show” (A+): The “Ellen Show” garners NOW’s highest grade. The organization lauds the program because it featured a highly visible, openly gay female character played by Ellen Degeneres. Unfortunately, the show featured little humor and was cancelled. (No word yet on whether NOW believes it negatively stereotyped lesbians as un-funny.)

“Friends” (C): The report gives “Friends” a low mark because of what it labels “The Jennifer Aniston Rule.” NOW complains that too many women on television are “conventionally beautiful” and believes the female friends should be less attractive. NOW fails to grasp that beautiful people are on TV because male and female viewers want them there.

“The Simpsons” (C-): NOW has some serious problems with the long-running cartoon, even though its most sympathetic character, Lisa Simpson, is a female. The report contends the show contributes to the “men rule the world” myth because Principle Skinner, a man, is head of Springfield elementary school. (They forget to mention that Skinner is a comically pathetic figure who lives with his highly-empowered mother.)

The report also alleges the cartoon perpetuates a double-standard because the “attractive” Marge would never in real life settle for the homely Homer.

“The Drew Carey Show” (D+): The program receives a poor grade because it “portrays feminine qualities as undesirable.” As evidence, the report cites that the phrase “he throws like a girl” was used by one of the characters. But it gets worse: another character reportedly called a sensitive man by a woman’s name.

“America’s Most Wanted” (D): The long-running, highly successful crime-stopper program is awarded a “D” because, as one NOW grader puts it, “its emphasis on (victims’) beauty and fear seems geared toward attracting male viewers.” The grader goes on to absurdly suggest the show’s anti-crime crusade is just an excuse to portray women as victims – little thanks for a series that has saved countless female lives by helping apprehend hundreds of dangerous criminals.

“Law and Order SVU” (D-): According to the report, shows like “Law and Order SVU” are too preoccupied with female crime victims. (Never mind that the show is about a police sex crimes unit, and in real life 90 percent of sex-crimes victims happen to be women.)

“The Bachelor” (F): NOW finally gets it right. “The Bachelor” films the nation’s 20 most desperate women as they compete to become the wife of a major slime-ball. The show reflects poorly on women, yet interestingly garners an audience that is overwhelmingly female. NOW would likely contend that these women are duped into watching the show, but the truth is far more benign. As a recent New York Times article suggests, women just like to watch a good train wreck.

With the exception of “The Bachelor” and a few other programs, primetime television is a far cry from the “adolescent boy’s fantasy world” that NOW would like women to believe. Shows routinely consist of strong female characters just as females are beginning to dominate the television entertainment divisions at the major networks.

But all this seems lost on NOW as it struggles for relevancy in an age when women no longer need its assistance. Instead of invigorating the women’s movement, NOW’s Feminist Primetime Television Report indicates just how out-of-touch the organization has become.

Eisner’s column runs every Thursday.