• printer friendly
• mail this article
• iPod format
• digg

Do you remember in kindergarten those teachers that would try to motivate their students to succeed by giving out gold stars or handing out bald-faced bribes of candies, cookies and assorted treats?

And remember those kids who would vehemently raise their hands with exclamations of “Oooh, ooh” to answer questions, whether or not they in fact knew the answers at all?

Even back in the day, I hated those suck-up orangutans. My six-year-old mind balked at the idea that an impetus such as third rate foodstuffs or even worse, meaningless gold star stickers, could command such a sublimating effect on my classmates.

Imagine my consternation when I found out that this “gold star” mentality still exists in our university setting. If you’re thinking to yourself, “I’ve seen lots of these sorts of students, and they’re not that bad,” let me describe to you the untold depths to which a prototype for this kind of mentality sinks.

Imagine a more mind-numbingly nasal version of Steve Urkel, from that excellent situation comedy, “Family Matters.” But for all of Urkel’s faults (his social ineptitude and bumbling klutziness) he was firstly a genius, and furthermore used his high moral code and intellectual brilliance to bring joy, happiness and valuable life lessons to the people around him.

Conversely, this imaginary clod spreads the seed of disdain whenever he speaks. Granted, there are times where he makes some statements that are of some halting social value, but these are so few and far in between, that one cannot help but groan in resignation as his hand is raised with the ubiquitous “ooh, ooh.”

He has no qualms in asking questions that have no direct bearing on the coursework that can easily be answered by a classmate. While the rest of the class is quietly pensive, he will try to respond when the instructor is obviously asking a rhetorical question. He will never fail to loudly point out and revel in the few typos that occasionally pop-up on the professor’s PowerPoint presentations when the rest of the class can let such harmless things slide.

But doubtless, the most infuriating thing about this baboso imaginario is the fact that in my mind, he always seems to revels in his statements, much like a swine happily rooting around in filth. A smug look of self-satisfaction fills his face after apparently deigning to enlighten the class with another one of his mindless and nonsensical comments.

In response to his mindless ranting, nitpicking and general oafishness, I have thought up many responses to his senselessness.

Remarks of “Eeeeeeediot,” “What’s wrong with this kid?” and most notably climaxing in “I must break you!” (think Ivan Drago from Rocky IV) are all easily attributable to his stupidity. The fact that these comments were all invented by me is unimportant; what is central in this summation is the fact I – and I daresay – many of my vicarious classmates want to enact some sort of medieval retribution upon this person.

Let’s leave the realm of metaphysics for a moment, and speak on more concrete matters. I cannot begin to guess why these sorts of individuals say the insanely dim-witted things they do. Perhaps they’re still mentally locked away in the gold star stage. Maybe they just want a cookie.

These statements could conceivably be a way for them to garner attention, predicated on a “notice me” mentality. Or possibly this is a defense mechanism built on the cornerstone that, “I’m going to be despised anyway, I might as well actively seek it out.”

If you’ve got mental pains, craft them into a song or something. Bands such as Weezer, Staind and *NSYNC were all forged in the white-hot furnace of suffering.

And for all those other excuses for being an annoyance, I shamelessly threw in as the other side of my straw man argument: grow up and realize you’re in a university setting.

Although I described a facetiously vicarious example, there really are these sorts of students that muck up the learning environment at UCLA. I have always been a fervent admirer of the intellectually daring. However, making idiotic claims, constantly throwing out ticky-tack comments, and asking shockingly obvious questions angers people. For the love of God, stop your nonsense and most importantly, stop wasting our time.