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I’ve come to the realization that the world can be divided into two categories: good liars and bad liars. Good liars are those who spin a web of wholly believable untruths, rarely get caught, and on the outside chance they do, usually use their deception to quickly extricate themselves from the situation.

Then we have the bad liars: those tangled in their own untruths, who fumble the important facts and details of their stories, and are laughably bad at trying to convince others of supposed veracity. I’d like to present Chris Webber as a prototypical example of the latter category.

I haven’t come here to criticize Chris Webber on the allegations of accepting $280,000 from a booster while in high school and college. I can’t even begin to describe my disgust with the collegiate sports bureaucracy and its willful disregard for the monetary temptation athletes must face. I bet it’s pretty difficult for college players to see CBS shelling out two billion dollars for the broadcasting rights of March Madness basketball, and seeing none of the money offered to the very people who create, promote and support this huge venture. It seems feudalism maintains its former glory in collegiate sports.

Nevertheless, whether or not Webber took the money, I don’t blame him too much. What I will blame Chris Webber for is the man’s total lack of judgment and intelligence in going about his business, and ultimately proving to be a very bad liar. In fact, Chris Webber’s indictment was for lying to a grand jury about taking money from a booster, not the act itself.

Perhaps a little historical basis should be presented to offer a factual cornerstone for my allegations. Webber’s string of public fiascoes started in Michigan with his Fab Five days, and one of the most infamous events in NCAA basketball history. With 11 seconds left in the final game, down against North Carolina, Webber, in possession of the ball, called a time-out – when Michigan didn’t have any time-outs left. A technical foul was called and it sealed the victory for North Carolina.

Webber is not a stranger to the label of criminal offender. He cryptically claimed possession of a bag containing 11 grams of marijuana in a Puerto Rico airport and got off lightly with a $500 fine. The same year, he was also charged with assault, resisting arrest and marijuana possession while police officers pulled Webber over at a traffic stop. Webber was pepper sprayed repeatedly, jailed for the night, and issued a fine. His trial awaits him now, with a maximum penalty of $250,000 and a five year prison stint.

I have a sinking feeling Chris Webber doesn’t think things through very much, and when he does it’s usually too late to stop the backlash his actions create. For example, if I were Chris Webber I’d deny every accusation coming my way, and let my enormous basketball skills and wealth pave the way for escape from my transgressions. For instance, during the time-out debacle I would have claimed vehemently, “It wasn’t my fault. The coaches were yelling at me to call time out, and the pressure made me forget that we didn’t have any left.” Video evidence supports this claim.

Watching many TV cop dramas, I’ve seen the wild and baseless accusations cops throw out, just on a long shot the criminal might have done the heinous deed and tearfully confess. So it pains and confuses me to see Chris Webber so easily admitting to marijuana possession. I never would’ve taken responsibility for 11 grams of marijuana if I was Webber. I’d say, “Hell no, that’s not my weed! That’s a woman’s bag it’s carried in.”

In turn, Webber handled his traffic stop badly, assaulting officers, getting caught with marijuana and generally making himself look very oafish. A smart Webber would have used a combination of cajolery (“Come on officer, I’m a basketball star, you know we’re all good guys”) and bribery (eschewing those of a monetary form but more in the way of sports paraphernalia and game tickets) to disentangle himself from the situation. Instead he got pepper sprayed, jailed and fined.

Chris Webber has a $123 million dollar contract with the Sacramento Kings. He’s linked romantically with Tyra Banks. He is famous, highly talented and has every reason to remain free to continue his success. Yet, he seems to have learned very little from his previous mistakes. With every new press conference, Webber would change his story: from the amount of money he received, to the nature of the money, his relationship with the booster that supplied the funds, etc. Not adhering to one’s story is truly the mark of an atrocious liar. Just look at Bill Clinton and his “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” speech, complete with well-timed finger pointing and a healthy dose of righteous indignation at such an accusation for an example of lying at its best. Although Clinton got caught in the end, I can’t help but admire his skill.

Perhaps it all comes down to this: If you’re going to do something stupid, you either have to 'fess up and deal with it (not something I generally advise) or become such a good liar that accusations have no effect on you.

Webber may be learning slowly, now simultaneously allaying negative public sentiment and vilifying the booster who “befriended kids like myself, preying on our naivete”. Playing the victim and sneakily shifting the subject of the trial shows that Webber has wised up. Now, he should use his fame and money to manipulate the media. Some people are born good liars; others like Chris Webber have to work at it.