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Popular music is, by its very nature, antagonistic. Artists creating rock and hip-hop are constantly trying to tear down old, out-dated paradigms of a generation, or perhaps of a few weeks earlier, and to replace it with something new and fresh. It is only natural that this leads at times to conflict: conflict between fans about which artists are best, conflict between artists and fans about what music is played, and conflict between artists about ... well, no one is quite sure what those are about. But one fact remains; artist rivalries provide some of the best entertainment in the music business, often surpassing even the music itself.

In this spirit, let us examine some potential musician matchups in the ring. Some are based on real disputes and others would just be fun to see.

Either way we’d all love to watch. Let’s get it on.

Stephen Malkmus v. Billy Corgan

In the early to mid-’90s, much was made of the Pavement frontman’s ostensible dislike and vocal criticism of The Smashing Pumpkins and its frequently melodramatic leader, Billy Corgan. Corgan was often too big (read: successful) to trouble himself with such petty squabbles. But what if the dream of every indie nerd came true, and Steve got his shot? Who would win this monumental battle, settling the long-standing dispute between independent and mainstream rock once and for all? It seems that as troubling as the implications are for the future of art-rock, Corgan would come out on top. It’s important to remember that this is not Corgan circa 1999, who probably would have responded to a fight by trying to summon some bats to his defense. No, this is the new, happier Billy Corgan of Zwan. He looks like he’s been taking care of himself lately, maybe getting into the gym.

Steve, meanwhile, is as skinny as ever, and that razor-sharp Malkmusian wit can only cut so far. He may have style, miles and miles, but Corgan would “honestly” break him in half, showing that after all, maybe he does have some function: kicking butt.

Ja Rule v. 50 Cent

The latest hip-hop rivalry is certainly puzzling. What could 50 Cent, Eminem’s latest protégé, possibly have against little Ja Rule? And what could 5-foot, 4-inch Ja Rule possibly be thinking mixing it up with 50, the most apparently genuine gangsta since Tupac? I mean, the guy’s been shot like eight times, once in the face. This one is no fight at all; 50 Cent wins in the first round, takes Ashanti for himself, says “Who’s on Murder Inc. now? ... Me!” Crowd is confused, yet cheers nonetheless.

Conor Oberst v. Chris Carraba

The sad, sad masterminds behind Bright Eyes and Dashboard Confessional, respectively, face off to determine who is the whiniest baby in the music business. Result: Oberst takes one look at Carraba’s mutton-chops, screams “your hair! It’s everywhere,” starts crying, forfeits match.

Courtney Love v. well, anyone really

Take your pick here; it seems everyone has a reason to hate Love. She sued the band Nerf Herder for its entirely innocuous song, “Courtney Love, Sit on My Face.” She sued the surviving members of Nirvana to prevent their attempts to release a fan-friendly box set. Courtney steps into ring alone, yells incoherently, attacks security, is handcuffed, and left to the mercy of the crowd. Ha, finally!

Want to challenge The Headphone Master to a cage match? Come weigh in at 118 Kerckhoff or e-mail him at dcrossen@media.ucla.edu.