Over the summer, I spent some time with the eight-year-old son of my first-grade teacher. Among other things that I learned from his youth was an ability to break a pine board, or two, with my fist.

It’s definitely not much, especially in the way of introductions, but it’s a nice party trick, along the lines of saying, “Yeah, I write for the Daily Bruin.”

This new destructive knowledge – Who needs a hatchet anymore? – inspired me to pursue an education in the arts. The martial arts.

I found many experts, each advocating their own magnificent style of fighting: jujitsu, karate, judo. However, based on the discipline of my pint-sized sensei, I chose taekwondo.

“Why taekwondo?” you ask. I’m sure there are thousands of fictional justifications, but they’re just that – fictional.

“Why a martial art?” There are more, actual reasons, besides having to register my hands as deadly weapons.

The first stems from my physical build: I have no body fat. Skinny as a rail. Forced to wear flippers in the shower. Any muscle I develop will immediately be displayed. This joins with the second reason: I wish to get more in shape.

But all these are trumped by the third reason: Martial arts are just cool. I have no experience, but would seriously like to learn how to roundhouse kick.

And so this saga begins, on a chilly Monday night in October ...

It was with faint apprehension and even fainter skill that I approached the UCLA Taekwondo Club’s first workout/beginner F.I.T. class meeting at 7 p.m. sharp.

The announcement I received on Bruin Walk also said something about registering with the UCLA Recreation Department, an orientation session on Sept. 27, and mentioned some sort of “gold room.” I should have paid more attention, I think.

The first thing I noticed upon ascending the Wooden Center stairs was that there were several people, a few in kimono-esque robes (I am aware that Korean and Japanese are not the same), warming up in a room designated the “blue room.” A few neurons began to fire warning shots to my consciousness.

They hit home a little later.

After entering the gold room to find that my class was apparently a master’s course in the art of disappearing, I retraced my steps back to the door of the blue room.

The people had not left; in fact, there were more now.

One was a large, sweating man, built enough to be a future gubernatorial candidate in the vein of Jesse Ventura or Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was treating a punching bag very ... unkindly. He was uncomfortably close to the door.

Despite the intimidation, I steeled my resolve and walked very gently around the man, who was apparently practicing Richard Simmons’ Taekwondo Experience – he was working out to a CD – to approach one of the robed men in the room, who had “UCLA” and “BAKER” on his back.

After signing a waiver, which bluntly informed me that this was taekwondo competition team tryouts, I was actually able to speak with Sean Yee, the fifth-year senior and UCLA’s Taekwondo Club founder, and the pseudo-sensei (again, I apologize for the use of Japanese, but I’m hoping to assuage my ignorance).

Sean agreed that my lack of experience disqualified me for team tryouts. Actually, I said that, and he agreed with me. But he said that I could watch.

So I did.

It was a mixture of foreign and familiar. The group began with calisthenic stretching, as Sean and Paul Leonor, his successor as team captain, both lead and evaluated the 20-odd candidates. This was followed by a series of kicks, which further reinforced my desire to stay uninvolved.

The evening was punctuated with staccato yells of the hopefuls. At times, it sounded like the auditions for the SWAT team in “Blues Brothers 2” (if you replace “Hut! Hut! Hut!” with variations of “Ai! Ai! Ai!”), at others, like an impending musical number.

Despite the slightly exclusive nature of the night, reserved to those with more skill and talent than myself, I found some form of involvement: I participated in an abbreviated version of the 8-clap. And did so successfully.

One week has elapsed since then. By the time you are reading this, I will have completed my first actual class of taekwondo, on Monday night. So, until next time, Ahnyounghee-gyeseyo.

E-mail Earnest at jearnest@media.ucla.edu if you enjoy kicking people’s kidneys through their chests.